I've been thinking a lot about the future lately...graduate school, my career, my relationships...you get the point. I'm fairly sure about what I want my future to look like. I'll try to paint a little picture for you:
In five to ten years, I see myself married with a couple pets (teeny dog, snarky cat, maybe a fish?). I'll have a Master's Degree in Journalism, and I'll be working at a cool online magazine or newspaper like Mic or HuffPost...something chic and intellectual (like me, ha!). I'll be writing about my experiences as a mixed woman, and people will accept my heritage and maybe I'll have inspired other people to talk about their experiences. It'll be great! I'll be a quick-witted, hard-hitting reporter, standing on the front lines of protests, telling the world what's happening in terms of feminism, racial justice, and LGBTQ* issues. Maybe I'll be working on a book of prose, and I'll definitely still be a size 6 (please God...let me still be a size 6 when I'm 30). Bernie Sanders will be finishing up his second term as POTUS, and ISIL will have been eradicated. Things won't be perfect, but I won't be so scared of what's happening around the world.
That's my ideal. Maybe it's unrealistic, but I like to think that it's plausible.
But...
I guess I've just been worrying about whether or not I can actually make a difference, you know? Like...will my "unique" perspective on the issues of people of color really have an impact on things? Will it all actually mean something in the end? I think I'm stressing out too much about things that haven't even happened yet, but I just want to believe that my voice is a voice that matters, one that people want to hear. I don't want to fling myself into the world of journalism and activism, only to be shut down by people who think that my voice isn't necessary. I mean, seriously--the literature that is based off of the complexities of "passing" in the Black community is kind of limited, and occasionally, it is not positive. Sure, there was an upswing of Black characters in literature who passed/could pass during the Harlem Renaissance, and there are modern authors like Mat Johnson who are letting the world know that the Black community is a rainbow community, but there are also plenty of people in this world who only want to see things in black and white, both figuratively and literally. I could absolutely just be wallowing in an "I'm about to finish off my last semester of college and I don't know if I'll get into grad school and I don't want to leave my friends" kind of funk, but I think that my worries are meritorious.
Yes, I am an anxious person who likes to overthink and stress about things (honestly, who isn't like that these days, though?), and the feedback I've gotten about this blog has been widely positive, but I can't help that worry that one day, the feedback I'll receive will be largely negative. If I end up working at a liberal news outlet after grad school, there are going to be lots of people who will intentionally try to tear me down--that's just the reality of it all. Whether you're liberal or conservative, if you're a journalist or notable blogger or whatever, people are going to disagree with you, and they won't always disagree in a polite way. It's a part of the job, I suppose, but I wish that it wasn't.
(I might be going off on a tangent at this point, but I think I'm just going to keep going...)
I want there to be a voice in the media for men and women like me. I want to see more positive representations of light-skinned people of color in the media. It's insane that, in 2015, people are STILL shaming members of their own God damn community for not being "enough" because their DNA happened to splice together in such a way that their skin didn't come out dark. Along those lines, I want to see more positive representations of dark-skinned people of color in the media. I want to see EQUALLY positive representations of ALL PEOPLE OF COLOR, regardless of the amount of pigment in their skin, in the media. Why does it have to be such a fucking struggle?? Why do we pit ourselves against each other? Why do we let the oppressors create these economies of attractiveness (credit to Junot Diaz for that phrase) that make us feel that we aren't enough, regardless of where we stand on the pigment spectrum? As I've said in the past, I have always wished that I had darker skin, while there are plenty of people in this world who wish they were lighter. All of this internalized and externalized shame is tearing us apart, man.
I have been toying with so many different perspectives since I started this blog at the end of the summer. In the beginning, I was a girl who wasn't quite sure where she stood in the Black community, the community that is outside of my family, the one that I fear/feared would reject me because of my light skin and blonde hair. I'm still figuring it out, but I'm definitely in a better place now, identity-wise. I guess I'm still just inherently confused about why there is so much hatred in a community/culture that has been marginalized and abused for CENTURIES--shouldn't we all just stick the fuck together? As I'm writing this, I'm reminded of something my mom said to me recently about terrorism; I called her a few weeks ago, a few days after the attacks on Paris and Beirut and Baghdad...I was so afraid, I was crying, I was worried for my siblings who live/work in NYC...and you know what she told me? That the fear that I was feeling, the fear that is being fueled and encouraged by so many mainstream media outlets and by my PEERS (PSA: chill with the paranoid Facebook posts, please), that fear is exactly what the terrorists want to spread. They are accomplishing their goals if they are scaring their victims. I think this ties in with the whole internalized hatred within the communities of people of color (esp. Black communities) because it's like we're unconsciously afraid of moving past the hatred of White people, you know? It's like we would rather give into the fear the oppressors are instilling in us by killing our brothers and sisters or locking us up in messed up prisons, instead of acknowledging that fear and moving past it. We hate because we're afraid. I think that's a summation of it all, to be honest. We hate because we were conditioned to hate ourselves by those who hope to frighten us. Enough of these pigment wars (again, credit to Junot Diaz...obsessed with him right now)--maybe we should focus our aggression on things that are actually worth it, you know? I'm not saying "LET'S GET VIOLENT AND AGGRESSIVE, GRRRR!!!"; I'm saying that we need to take all of that negative energy that has been shoved into our blood from the second Europeans colonized the Americas, from the second the first slave was taken from Africa...and we need to transform that energy into something positive, something that encourages HOPE and CHANGE.
I'm getting a little excited now, and I'm also running on a lot of caffeine from a mocha blast (10/10 would recommend), so forgive me.
I've learned so much about myself in such a short span of time, so it's hard to really categorize my thoughts in a coherent manner, so I apologize if none of this made sense. But despite my potentially incoherent ramblings, I think I'm coming to some kind of conclusion. I need to let my thoughts steep a bit longer, like a good loose leaf tea (I'm the worst), and then I'll come back to it all. For now, I'm going to eat some pasta, drink some tea, and read for my classes while I've still got undergrad classes to read for...oh, and probably weep uncontrollably because everything is ending and beginning and changing and I can only hope that the future I painted for you at the beginning of this disjointed post will come to fruition and everything will be okay!! Woo!
P.S. Please feel free to comment on anything I've said! I would love to get a dialogue going on here at some point, especially when I'll have even more time to post after graduation.
In five to ten years, I see myself married with a couple pets (teeny dog, snarky cat, maybe a fish?). I'll have a Master's Degree in Journalism, and I'll be working at a cool online magazine or newspaper like Mic or HuffPost...something chic and intellectual (like me, ha!). I'll be writing about my experiences as a mixed woman, and people will accept my heritage and maybe I'll have inspired other people to talk about their experiences. It'll be great! I'll be a quick-witted, hard-hitting reporter, standing on the front lines of protests, telling the world what's happening in terms of feminism, racial justice, and LGBTQ* issues. Maybe I'll be working on a book of prose, and I'll definitely still be a size 6 (please God...let me still be a size 6 when I'm 30). Bernie Sanders will be finishing up his second term as POTUS, and ISIL will have been eradicated. Things won't be perfect, but I won't be so scared of what's happening around the world.
That's my ideal. Maybe it's unrealistic, but I like to think that it's plausible.
But...
I guess I've just been worrying about whether or not I can actually make a difference, you know? Like...will my "unique" perspective on the issues of people of color really have an impact on things? Will it all actually mean something in the end? I think I'm stressing out too much about things that haven't even happened yet, but I just want to believe that my voice is a voice that matters, one that people want to hear. I don't want to fling myself into the world of journalism and activism, only to be shut down by people who think that my voice isn't necessary. I mean, seriously--the literature that is based off of the complexities of "passing" in the Black community is kind of limited, and occasionally, it is not positive. Sure, there was an upswing of Black characters in literature who passed/could pass during the Harlem Renaissance, and there are modern authors like Mat Johnson who are letting the world know that the Black community is a rainbow community, but there are also plenty of people in this world who only want to see things in black and white, both figuratively and literally. I could absolutely just be wallowing in an "I'm about to finish off my last semester of college and I don't know if I'll get into grad school and I don't want to leave my friends" kind of funk, but I think that my worries are meritorious.
Yes, I am an anxious person who likes to overthink and stress about things (honestly, who isn't like that these days, though?), and the feedback I've gotten about this blog has been widely positive, but I can't help that worry that one day, the feedback I'll receive will be largely negative. If I end up working at a liberal news outlet after grad school, there are going to be lots of people who will intentionally try to tear me down--that's just the reality of it all. Whether you're liberal or conservative, if you're a journalist or notable blogger or whatever, people are going to disagree with you, and they won't always disagree in a polite way. It's a part of the job, I suppose, but I wish that it wasn't.
(I might be going off on a tangent at this point, but I think I'm just going to keep going...)
I want there to be a voice in the media for men and women like me. I want to see more positive representations of light-skinned people of color in the media. It's insane that, in 2015, people are STILL shaming members of their own God damn community for not being "enough" because their DNA happened to splice together in such a way that their skin didn't come out dark. Along those lines, I want to see more positive representations of dark-skinned people of color in the media. I want to see EQUALLY positive representations of ALL PEOPLE OF COLOR, regardless of the amount of pigment in their skin, in the media. Why does it have to be such a fucking struggle?? Why do we pit ourselves against each other? Why do we let the oppressors create these economies of attractiveness (credit to Junot Diaz for that phrase) that make us feel that we aren't enough, regardless of where we stand on the pigment spectrum? As I've said in the past, I have always wished that I had darker skin, while there are plenty of people in this world who wish they were lighter. All of this internalized and externalized shame is tearing us apart, man.
I have been toying with so many different perspectives since I started this blog at the end of the summer. In the beginning, I was a girl who wasn't quite sure where she stood in the Black community, the community that is outside of my family, the one that I fear/feared would reject me because of my light skin and blonde hair. I'm still figuring it out, but I'm definitely in a better place now, identity-wise. I guess I'm still just inherently confused about why there is so much hatred in a community/culture that has been marginalized and abused for CENTURIES--shouldn't we all just stick the fuck together? As I'm writing this, I'm reminded of something my mom said to me recently about terrorism; I called her a few weeks ago, a few days after the attacks on Paris and Beirut and Baghdad...I was so afraid, I was crying, I was worried for my siblings who live/work in NYC...and you know what she told me? That the fear that I was feeling, the fear that is being fueled and encouraged by so many mainstream media outlets and by my PEERS (PSA: chill with the paranoid Facebook posts, please), that fear is exactly what the terrorists want to spread. They are accomplishing their goals if they are scaring their victims. I think this ties in with the whole internalized hatred within the communities of people of color (esp. Black communities) because it's like we're unconsciously afraid of moving past the hatred of White people, you know? It's like we would rather give into the fear the oppressors are instilling in us by killing our brothers and sisters or locking us up in messed up prisons, instead of acknowledging that fear and moving past it. We hate because we're afraid. I think that's a summation of it all, to be honest. We hate because we were conditioned to hate ourselves by those who hope to frighten us. Enough of these pigment wars (again, credit to Junot Diaz...obsessed with him right now)--maybe we should focus our aggression on things that are actually worth it, you know? I'm not saying "LET'S GET VIOLENT AND AGGRESSIVE, GRRRR!!!"; I'm saying that we need to take all of that negative energy that has been shoved into our blood from the second Europeans colonized the Americas, from the second the first slave was taken from Africa...and we need to transform that energy into something positive, something that encourages HOPE and CHANGE.
I'm getting a little excited now, and I'm also running on a lot of caffeine from a mocha blast (10/10 would recommend), so forgive me.
I've learned so much about myself in such a short span of time, so it's hard to really categorize my thoughts in a coherent manner, so I apologize if none of this made sense. But despite my potentially incoherent ramblings, I think I'm coming to some kind of conclusion. I need to let my thoughts steep a bit longer, like a good loose leaf tea (I'm the worst), and then I'll come back to it all. For now, I'm going to eat some pasta, drink some tea, and read for my classes while I've still got undergrad classes to read for...oh, and probably weep uncontrollably because everything is ending and beginning and changing and I can only hope that the future I painted for you at the beginning of this disjointed post will come to fruition and everything will be okay!! Woo!
P.S. Please feel free to comment on anything I've said! I would love to get a dialogue going on here at some point, especially when I'll have even more time to post after graduation.